I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
