hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
