I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
