i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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