I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
