I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
