I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
