I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
