The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
