R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
