I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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