Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
