id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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