u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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