Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
