Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't deserve a penis
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
