This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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