Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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