I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
