Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I can't put those talents on a resume
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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