If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
