sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
