I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i dont even know how to be here
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
