the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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