Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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