some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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