i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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