Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
