When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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