"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
