you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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