I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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