i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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