you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
