I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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