I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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