If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
