Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
