My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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