Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
