My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
