Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
