i just had sex bonerless
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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