I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
