Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
