When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
