I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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