my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
