i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
