yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
