Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
