he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
